Lampology



Lampology is the official religion of the U.A.A, individuals should always pray with one hand on a lamp and their mind focused on the glory of the prophets and the Mushrooms.

The Divine Story
In the beggining there was the Mushroom, the mushroom began to multiply and multiply and with each division they created more of the universe but the first four copies of the first Mushrom were special, they were the first prophets, the Prophets of the elements, Fire, Earth, Wind and Bacon Water. These Holy Mushrooms first act was the creation of the Jelly-Babies(which then created Humanity on a whim), little did they know that one of the Jelly-Babies would rise up and gain dark powers. Immediately after hearing of this Jelly-Baby Satan they set themselves into a war against it, trapping it in a magic circle of Bacon Magic, but it had an unforseen result. Satan was indeed vanquished, but the universe must always have balence, and so stupidity was brought into the world, with the currently anonymous Anti-Prophet of Stupidity(the creator of the Ned race) as it's fleshly form. Even today the mushrooms rule over this universe filled with their accidental creations, attempting to guide humanity and other races away from the influence of stupidity, these mushrooms are the mushrooms that were too lazy to get out of bed when the rest of their kind left this universe forever, deeming it boring and pretty lame. Humanity also has a part to play in it's own creation however, around 10,000 B.C man kind first began to breed the domestic dog from the wolf, little did they know about the influence this would later have. Some time in the early 21st century PandaLord Odin Oldman was walking his dog, Dusty when it peed on a Mushroom, somehow giving the Mushroom super powers which it used to first create a lamp from thin air which it used to strike Odin on the head (This is why we are called Lampologists, because the first act of divine creation was the creation of a Lamp), it then travelled back in time to multiply and create the universe. After his will had been done the First Mushroom returned to the 21st century and granted the PadaLord and a close assosiate that he deemed worthy, Fëanor Castro, divine powers. They lived for billions of years gaining experiance and power, they lived so long that the experianced the death of the universe, it had begun to contract at a speed greater than light. But their power was too great, and thus the universe began to expand again in a second big bang re-birthing the universe and with it the re-birth of Fëanor and Odin. They were born again(not in the fucktarded Christian sense) they became the Prophets Immortal, Odin of Shadow and Fëanor of Light, their consciousness fusing with the universe giving them immense control over it. Odin, Prophet of Shadow would later become friends with a mysterious individual known as Smiffington, who appears to have the ability to disguise himself has one of the Anti-Prophets people, the Neds. This power seemed invaluable to the Prophets who, working with Dusty and the mushroom Qualagax granted Smiffington the status of Half Prophet of Trees(and later, "And the Insane" was added to his title in recognition of his imprisonment in the Baddgering Sett), who could control trees(and after his stay in the Baddgering Sett, the Insane) and was given everlasting life alongside the greater prophets.

The Commandments
11.5.  Thous shall not under any circumstance, under pain of hideous torture......[End of commandment lost]
 * 1) Thou shall love lego my eggo
 * 2) Thou shall throw potatoes at false prophets
 * 3) Thou shall oppose pop music in all it's forms by whatever means necessary
 * 4) Thou shall not be elasticated
 * 5) Thou shall not ask a midget how he is hangin'
 * 6) Thou shall not discriminate against gay aliens
 * 7) Thou shall eat Mushrooms, for they are made in the image of the Lords
 * 8) Thou shall not be caught playing agar.io
 * 9) Thou shall not commit blasphemy against the prophets or Mushrooms
 * 10) Thou shall not question the prophets of shadow and light (You can question the half-prophet of trees, but only if you're polite).
 * 11)  Thou shall not eat mushrooms past midnight

The Afterlife
Eternal bliss awaits the loyal Lampologist. An eternal bus line in which you go back to the end every 200 years agter being hit by the bus, awaits unloyal Lampologists and those without religion. As for the Heretics, those who follow Christianity, Islam, and Judaism, those fuckers face eternal torture - End of story. Follow the instructions of the prophets, and all shall be well.

Important Non-Prophet Figures in Lampology

 * Douglas Adams, Patron Saint of Hitchhikers
 * Mr Brown, Patron Saint of Ned Hating
 * John. R. R. Tolkien, Patron Saint of Adventurers, Language and Myths
 * George. R. R. Martin, Patron Saint of Killing Characters
 * John Lennon, Patron Saint of Walruses and LSD
 * Random College Tramp, Patron Saint of Beards
 * Slavoj Zizek, Patron Saint of Open Mouth Tongue Movements
 * Judas, Martyred trying to assasinate Jesus Christ